A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR.... is the result of twenty years of research. It is, quite simply, the definitive single-volume collection of modern American adult humor: An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “What’s new?” The old guy says, “I think my wife died.” “You think?” “Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.” A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, “Your wife’s been in a terrible car accident, she’s a paraplegic and brain-dead. You’ll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her.” “But doc, I’m only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can’t spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid.” “You won’t have to,” says the doctor. “I was just fucking with you. She’s dead.” A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. “Troubles?” asks the bartender. “I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man.” “Why do you think that?” “Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy.” A man walks into a bar and says, “Champagne for everybody. On me.” “What are you celebrating?” asks the bartender. “I’ve just discovered why women have pubic hair.” “Why?” “It hides the hook.” The weekly poker game was at Bob’s but he had to baby sit his six year old twin boys. Before they could even deal Bob was off to the other room three times. He returned and another racket ensued. So Randy said, “I’ll take care of it.” Randy returned and there was silence for an hour. Bob said, “What’d you do, start a movie?” “No,” said Randy, “I taught them how to masturbate.” What’s the most difficult part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you’re gay. A teenager goes in for her first gynecological examination. While propped up in the stirrups she asks, “Will this hurt?” “Not if I numb it first.” “Okay. Why don’t you numb it.” The doctor ducks down between her thighs and starts licking, “Num, num, num, num, num.” A man walks into the OB-GYN’s office and says, “I need some birth control pills.” “You,” says the doctor, “are a man.” “They’re not for me, they’re for my nine year old daughter.” “You have a nine year old daughter that’s sexually active?” “I wouldn’t actually say active; she just lays there like her mother.” What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn’t follow you around for a week. Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts? Cuz they freeze their balls off. What part of the man’s body should never move while dancing with a woman? His bowels. What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up. Bob calls in sick to work and his boss asks, “Just how sick are you?” “I’m fucking my grandma in the ass, is that sick enough for you?” A couple has a lovely dinner and then they settle down in front of a fire with two glasses of champagne. “You know,” she says, “That scab will never heal if you keep picking at it.” “Hey,” he says, “it’s your lip.” The father of a girl with no arms or legs pays his next door neighbor’s son to take her to the prom. The girl’s dad springs for dinner and a tuxedo as well. After the prom the boy says to the girl, “What do you want to do now?” “I want to make love.” “How can we do that? You don’t have any arms or legs.” “Take me to the park across the street from my house, strip me naked, prop me up on the monkey bars and fuck me from behind.” They do it just like that; then he dresses her, puts her in the wheelchair and pushes her back across the street. Her father answers the door and thanks the boy profusely, slipping him an extra $20. “I feel like shit,” says the boy, “I just took your daughter’s clothes off, wedged her into the monkey bars and fucked her. Keep the $20.” “No, you keep it. Most guys just leave her on the monkey bars all night and I have to go get her in the morning.” Many many more jokes inside.
About Rob Loughran
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Published May 28, 2013
by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Humor & Entertainment.