Today I had Sharon over for coffee. I talked a bit about my sexual frustration with my husband John, but I only touched the tip of the iceberg with her. Even though she’s my best friend, I still can’t get myself to fully share things and say certain words.
I only went as far as telling her that I wanted John to be a bit more aggressive. If she knew how much I fantasized about John taking me forcefully, making me surrender to him, she would probably have been shocked.
Over time, my fantasies have become darker. In them John is standing over me, telling me what to do, not giving me any choices. He’s restraining my arms, forcing my thighs apart, teasing me, making me beg him to take me. Lately, I’ve been trying to push these fantasies to greater limits, but subconsciously I know that John can’t get himself to treat me that way. Even my own fantasies aren’t convincing.
Perhaps that’s why my mind has been conjuring up the image of his son, Derek, during my most recent illusions of ecstasy. I try to get rid of his face, but he has grown to become so shadowy, brooding, aggressive - he stimulates me, and I can’t make the images go away. He makes me feel like an unwelcome prisoner in my own home, and being his prisoner excites me for some reason.
Thoughts flash across my mind uncontrollably, and light me up like a siren. He has a forbidden attraction that’s electric.
Thinking of Derek that way makes me feel like I’m hurting John, and the thought of hurting him is too much for me to handle. It makes me so sad knowing that if I can’t control my desires, I have to leave. But Derek’s aura, his very essence, fits with my filthy, obscene fantasies all too well. The more taboo he becomes, the more rapturous my fantasies are. The more off limits he is, the more I want him. It’s a vicious circle I can’t spiral out of.
I have to shake him from my thoughts in those moments when I find myself alone and vulnerable. I must purge Derek from my mind, especially if I want to survive living with him until he moves out at the end of the summer.
My pious parents would die if they knew their little girl wanted to surrender herself to something that erotically dominates her. John would be crushed. My life would be ruined. I have to get over this.
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